Talking To Your Child

We’re not going to sugarcoat it—this conversation is hard. Realllly hard. Most of us have been there, lying awake at night rehearsing what we’ll say, worrying we’ll make things worse, wondering if we’re overreacting. We’ve second-guessed ourselves a thousand times.

But here’s what we’ve learned: starting this conversation is one of the bravest things we can do as parents. It’s an act of love, even when it feels impossibly difficult. And we don’t have to get it perfect. We just have to show up.

This post shares what’s worked for many of us—and what hasn’t. Take what helps, leave what doesn’t.

Before We Say a Word: Check in with Ourselves
Here’s something we had to learn the hard way: our kids can feel our emotions before we even open our mouths. If we’re coming in hot—angry, panicked, ready to interrogate—the conversation is over before it starts.

So, before we talk to them, we need to talk to ourselves. Are we approaching this from concern? Or are we furious and scared and wanting answers right now? Both are valid. But only one creates space for actual conversation.

If we’re too wound up, it’s okay to wait. Talk to a therapist first. Call a friend. Give ourselves a day. The conversation will still be there tomorrow, and we’ll be in a better place to have it.

And if things get heated mid-conversation? We can close it down and come back later. That’s not failure—that’s wisdom.

Timing Matters More Than We Think
We’ve all made the mistake of bringing something up at exactly the wrong moment. When they’re walking out the door. During an argument about something else entirely. When everyone’s exhausted.

Pick a time when our child isn’t stressed or distracted, and we’re fully present. A quiet spot. No phones buzzing. No siblings interrupting. This conversation deserves space.

Ditch the Blame and Use ‘I’ Statements (They Really Work)
Nothing shuts down a conversation faster than “You have a problem.” Even if it’s true. Even if we’re right. The walls go up immediately.

What works better? Leading with how we feel, not what they’ve done wrong.

Things like:

• “I’ve noticed some changes, and I’m worried about you.”
• “I feel worried when I see you struggling financially. What’s going on?”
• “I care about you, and I’m concerned about how much time gambling is taking up.”

It’s a small shift, but it makes a big difference.

We’re on the Same Team
This is so important: we want our kids to know we’re not the enemy here. The gambling is the problem—not them, and not us. We’re facing this together.

Some ways to say it:

• “We’re in this together, on the same team against this disease.”
• “You’re not alone. We’ll figure this out as a family.”
• “We’re on your side, even when this feels hard.”
  
  

Listen More. Way More.
This might be the hardest part for those of us who are fixers. We want to jump in with solutions. We want to lecture. We want to make them understand.
But feeling heard is often the first step toward change. So, we try to:

• Give them our full attention
  Not interrupt, even when we disagree (this is tough, we know)
• Ask open questions: “Can you help us understand what’s happening?”
• Validate their feelings: “We can see this is really hard for you.”

Sometimes the most powerful thing we can do is just… listen.

They Might Deny It. That’s Normal.
Here’s what we wish someone had told us earlier: our child may very well deny there’s a problem. They might get defensive. They might minimize everything or turn it around on us.

This is completely normal. It doesn’t mean we failed. It doesn’t mean we should push harder.

We can stay calm and say things like:

• “We understand you don’t see it that way. We’re here when you’re ready to talk.”
• “We’re not attacking you. We’re worried and we want to help.”

Planting the seed matters. Even if they’re not ready to hear it today, the seed is there.

Boundaries Are Love Too
This is where so many of us struggle. We want to help. We want to fix it. And sometimes that means giving money or bailing them out “just this once.” We think if we can just get them back to zero–pay off the debt, give them a fresh start–they’ll be able to move forward.

But here’s what we’ve learned the hard way: that fresh start almost always backfires. The debt comes back. Often bigger than before. Because the gambling didn’t stop–we just removed the consequences that might have motivated change.

Supporting our child and enabling the gambling behavior are two very different things. Setting boundaries protects both of us.

Some examples:

• “We love you, but we can’t give you money or pay off gambling debts.”
• “We’ll help you find treatment, but we can’t pay your rent.”
• “If you’re living at home, we need some agreements about finances and treatment.”

Saying no to money doesn’t mean we’re saying no to them. It means we love them too much to help the addiction continue.

Offer Resources, Have Patience
If they’re open to help, have a few options ready. But don’t overwhelm them with a list of twenty things. One clear next step is enough. Allow them to work on their timeline (while holding your boundaries and not enabling the gambling behavior). Frame it as an option, not a demand: “Would you be willing to talk to someone who really understands this?”

Some places to start:

• Call a Problem Gambling Helpline: 1-800-GAMBLER or 1-800-522-4700
• FInd a Support Group (Support groups for gamblers)
• Talk to a Professional (Therapists)
• Arm them with Recovery Tools (Tools)
  
  

What If They’re Not Ready?
Many of our kids aren’t ready after the first conversation. Or the second. That’s okay—change is a process, not a moment.

In the meantime, we can:

• Let them know we’re available whenever they’re ready
• Express concern without nagging (there’s a fine line, we know)
• Set boundaries to protect ourselves and the rest of our family
• Keep learning about gambling addiction
• Get support for ourselves through Gam-Anon and the Parents Standing Together community
• Watch for opportunities to revisit the conversation naturally
  
  

Love Our Child, Not the Disease
One thing that’s helped many of us: finding ways to connect with our kids that have nothing to do with gambling. Ask about their day. Watch a show together. Share a meal. These moments remind them—and us—that we love them, not just who they might become after recovery.

Actions speak louder than lectures. A smile, a touch on the shoulder, just sitting together quietly… these things matter.

Take Care of Ourselves Too
These conversations are exhausting. Emotionally, physically, all of it. We can’t pour from an empty cup.
Please—get support. Therapy. Parent groups. A trusted friend who gets it. We’ve all had to learn that taking care of ourselves isn’t selfish. It’s necessary.

We’re Here With You
Starting this conversation is scary. But we’ve seen these conversations change lives—sometimes slowly, sometimes in ways we don’t see right away.

We don’t have to do this perfectly. We don’t have to do it alone. And every time we show up with love, even when it’s messy and hard, we’re doing something that matters.

You’ve got this. And we’re here.

Want to talk with real parents who have had these conversations? Join our community at https://www.facebook.com/groups/parentsstandingtogether